Friday, 18 December 2015

Surrendering my body to of the hardest struggles I faced....First Trimester

So you've peed on a stick, got the great news that you're pregnant and then realisation kicks in - you're not just pregnant. You're going to have a baby for the rest of your life - and its going to grow inside of you for the next 9 months.......

From that moment on, everything changes.....Your mind, your body, your relationships, your sex life, basically your whole life as you know it......but you chose to block it out. You're not going to be "one of those" women - you're going to be exactly the same as you always have been just with a baby as well.

I totally blocked it out - I wasn't going to let being pregnant spoil my fun or change who I was - I was ready to show the world that life goes on as normal!

So there I was, a strong independent woman who had always looked after herself and her body, slowly watching it fade before my eyes.......

My energy levels demolished, my healthy eating habits were no more, my hormones sent my mind into a mashed up emotional rage one moment and floods of tears the next. I no longer had control......I'd been evicted from my own body and most of my mind for those first few months.

I'd already told myself that i wasn't going to be sick and that i was prepared for my body to change - but I totally wasn't. I was a mess. An evicted tenant left out on the cold December streets of London and i couldn't even drink wine to keep me warm! I couldn't run away from it either - as even though I'd been evicted, there was no escaping this vessel, it was totally my fault I felt this way - I wanted this to happen, but not "this" I wanted to look and feel like they did in the movies. Pregnancy is surrounded by so many preconceptions and taboos that nobody dare talk about and I now fully understood them. It was all bull shit....

My bump grew quickly ( good old relaxin!), as did my butt and boobs, and thighs.......nothing fitted me, I was in denial, every time I would try and force myself into those disco pants cried - everything I owned was figure hugging and fitted - stupid idea that was! Now I was really suffering - my style no longer mattered - my identity, my character, may as well go in the bin, as well as my life because I've got this massive pregnancy hangover and I cant talk to anybody because its the first trimester and were being safe.

The only way Ive ever been able to describe it was that I was this nice little boutique hotel and someone from a big chain like Hilton had bought me and decided to turn me into a bigger hotel so added a massive extension without telling me this was all happening so soon.....just building, slowly changing the view, the space, the vibe around me.

No matter how much you say you will surrender yourself to your pregnancy - nothing makes you feel more shit and lonely than your first trimester.

My husband, my dog and kleenex ( and some doughnuts) were the only things that got me through.....

It feels like its never going to end.....but hang in there - because it does! You GOT this!

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