Tuesday, 29 December 2015

The Fourth Trimester - Anxiety is a bitch....

I really want to write my blog in order but I am going to make an exception - and will come back to the topic in more detail later.....

Today is the first day since my daughter was born that I have truly felt myself.

That my thoughts have not been drowned by anxiety and sleep deprivation, that my heart has not skipped a beat with worry over everything and nothing, that I felt a warmth in my gut in place of guilt, a sparkle in my eye without the veil of sadness and a smile that didn't ache to smile.

My daughter will be 4 months old tomorrow.

4 months - those first 4 precious months.....precious because both myself and my daughter have been so fragile, everyone being careful not to break or crack either one of us.  Physically creeping around the house so not to wake the peaceful baby and verbally quiet so not to conjure up unnecessary thoughts in my sensitive mind.

Why today? Is it the sunshine? The festive period? The fact that my husband has been off so has allowed me time to breathe? The fact that I have surrounded myself with positive people or got back into a full yoga practise? Probably all of the above.....

Having a new baby is of course going to be overwhelming. But not necessarily for the reasons you are warned about. "Your life is never going to be the same again" and "You wont get to go out like you used to" are often heard from your Mama friends.......What they should really say to you is this....

"Its fucking hard - hard looking after another life 24/7, hard because you don't have a moment to think, your body doesn't just bounce back, you will look at your friends going out and yearn to be with them but at the same time wont want to leave your child, hard because you don't just birth a baby, its your birth too - as a mother, a creator, a teacher, a provider, a carer. Breastfeeding isn't as easy as it looks and not all babies sleep through the night. No matter how tough your skin is, you become so vulnerable to life around you as you know it, and its quite often sucks....."

There will be times when you question why you had a baby even though you would never change it for the world.

You will wait by the front door with baby in arms waiting for your partner to walk in so you can pass it over and lock yourself in the bathroom.

You wont always get to eat or brush your teeth

You will wish you could go to work instead of staying at home doing the same routine everyday

You will be lonely, yearning for adult conversation and a glass of wine with your girlfriends.

You will get anxious over the silliest of things

You will feel guilt over every decision you make for yourself or your baby

You will feel pressure from society, family, friends even if its not there.....I could go on....

But hang in there ladies!!!!!!!

You WILL get that first smile, and that giggle, and that cry when nobody else has your magic touch and that feeling when only you can soothe.

Your nipples WILL stop hurting!

You will find time to go get your nails done, eventually.... :)

Your colicky baby WILL grow out of it.

You will create the most beautiful life and soul, which will leave your mark in this world for generations to come.....

Despite what you feel you ARE amazing Mama and you WILL feel better......

Also - don't be afraid to ask for support, from friends, family, online forums or speaking with a doctor. Behind those perfect Instagram accounts, theres Mama's all over the world crying over spilt milk ( probably quite literally) so lets end the taboo and be more open about things.....

Today is a good Day :)


  1. Beautifully put and truly honest. I am not a Mother but I look at you and think it might be just great! :-) Hang in there lovely and keep writing. xxx

  2. Beautifully written by a kind and open soul. Grateful to know you and Marley!